| Thoughts |
[ | | UPDATED >> January 4th,2008 / 04:52 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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Rilo Kiley- The Good That Won't Come Out |
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Today, on my way home from school:
My dad has this habit of squeezing my leg, like to tickle me. He always does it, especially when he's driving and I'm sitting shotgun, which is what happened today. I've gotten used to it, and I didn't react, like usual. And he said, "I miss the little kid that used to squirm when I did that."
I don't think he meant anything by it; it was just a comment, I'm pretty sure, but it was kind of depressing. It made me think of how heartbreaking it must be to become a parent: first, if you're a mother, like I would but will not be, you have this enormous possibility of stumbling into post-partem depression. Then, when you get over that, it's effing hard work, but that's alright, because you love your baby. But then the kid starts to grow up, and the child you loved doesn't exist anymore. It's like watching a friend drift away, only worse, because of everything you've devoted to this person, who just wants to grow up and move out and have her own life. And then they do move out--is that a relief? Or is it horrid? Rawr. People really are upsetting.
Also, when we stopped at the I-25 exit 242, there was a homeless guy there with a sign asking for rent money. People stand there with similar signs a lot, and my dad usually gives them money, and today was no different. He does that because, when he was younger, he saw this guy (who he thought was kind of a jerk and drove a really nice car) stop IN A BLIZZARD to give this homeless guy who had NO SHOES AND NO COAT his jacket and his boots, and then just kept going. But today, when he stopped, the homeless guy was so happy... they always say, "God bless you." and I think this guy did, I'm not sure, but he was just sitting out there, looking cold, until my dad rolled down his window and stuck his hand out. It almost made me cry.
A passage in this book we just started reading for English also made me cry last night. It talks about this Jewish guy who lives in Poland. The girl he loves goes to America, her father makes her, and he gets a job and starts saving up to follow her (see what I mean about kids?). He writes books for her. But then the Nazis invade his town, and his mother makes him hide in the woods. You find out (for certain, though you've already guessed by now) that he'd gotten the girl pregnant before she left, and she has his kid in America and gets married. He doesn't find out until he goes over there; she thought he'd died. But what he said was hiding his love for a son he never knew wouldn't be hard for someone who had hidden everything else--he talked earlier about how he'd gotten good at being invisible, or something similar. There was also some really romantic things that those two characters did before the girl went to the United States.
Also, there are two sad MIKA songs that I love but make me sad:
My Interpretation:
You talk about life, you talk about death,
And everything in between,
Like it's nothing, and the words are easy.
You talk about me, and you talk about you,
And everything I do,
Like it's something, that needs repeating.
I don't need an alibi or for you to realize,
The things we left unsaid,
Are only taking space up in our head.
Make it my fault, win the game
Point the finger, place the blame
It does me up and down,
It doesn't matter now.
'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say,
Or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense.
The first two weeks turn into ten,
I hold my breath and wonder when it'll happen,
Does it really matter?
If half of what you said is true,
And half of what I didn't do could be different,
Would it make it better?
If we forget the things we know.
Would we have somewhere to go?
The only way is down, I can see that now.
'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say,
Or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense.
It's really not such a sacrifice
'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say,
Or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense.
And it don't have to make no sense to you at all,
'Cause this is my interpretation, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Happy Ending:
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.
Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell
This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.
2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on
This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.
A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.
The Rilo Kiley song I'm listening to now is also amazing, but also makes me sad :)
Just things that were on my mind.
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| Homecoming |
[ | | UPDATED >> September 30th,2007 / 09:02 PM | | ] |
Mine rocked.
How was everyone else's?
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| :DDDD |
[ | | UPDATED >> September 14th,2007 / 08:30 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 jubilant |
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music |
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Overture/Work Song- Les Mis |
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I am in such a good mood right now.
I don't even know why.
I would make out with any of you right now, that's how good my mood is.
:D
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| *grumble* |
[ | | UPDATED >> August 6th,2007 / 06:29 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 Sad-ish? |
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Man, I dunno if it's the prospect of school starting again or something, but this evening I just haven't been very happy. First time all summer I've felt depressed. BALLS.
ICKY I DUN WANT SCHOOL. Or yearbook retreat, for that matter. Maybe it'll turn out to be fun. I really have no ideas for it, though I don't like the one we have now. Bumma.
Also, I rewrote the prologue of my story/book/whateva. It's really not even the same story now.... at all. But that's ok cause I like this one better :D Read and, if you like, you can review it here. Hooray!!!
Pues, aqui esta:
Alrighty, well, tell me what you think.
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| Como si hubiera hormigas |
[ | | UPDATED >> April 13th,2007 / 09:05 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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Conflicted |
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music |
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Team Mate- Kaiser Chiefs |
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So I know only two of you will read this, tops, but I think I've discovered the source of my problems this year: I don't know who I am anymore. And I know that sounds retarded, but seriously, I can't say. Like a list of adjectives? Every time I think of one I think I'm also the opposite, so how can I be either? And what do I like? The only definitive thing I can think of is softball. And like.... spending time with people I like. What's important to me? I don't even know. Like.... my friends are probably the most important people in my life, and I've been a terrible friend.... all around.... :( Grah. I don't even know what to do.
It's like there's these two worlds, and I want to be part of both of them, but I can't.... I can only pick one. But I don't WANT TO. DAMMIT. And today I was sitting in the commons, reading, during 6th, and I thought, am I going to be one of those girls who doesn't have any friends from high school because she spent all her time with her boyfriend? That SUCKS. I don't want that. But at the same time, I REALLY like Colin. My frigging emotional whatever in my brain is like the goddamn Western Front. (That sentence reminded me of Catcher in the Rye for some reason) But.... AGH. I've got this retarded inferiority complex bullshit going on, too. Like, OMG everyone hates me. I'm so stupid. I'm so ugly. I have a shitty personaliy, why does anyone even talk to me? And I think I tend to be a complete poser because I like people to like me. Is that terrible? Am I being stupid? Is this really weird for an almost 17-year-old girl to be thinking about this stuff?
And sometimes.... I can't stand people who pretend to be what they're not. But then I'm like, um, what? You do that. I have this theory that people hate what they see of themselves in other people. Their bad qualities, at the very least. So I'm always terrified of that, too. And I always think I'm being a bitch when I think stuff like, shut up, those aren't even your words, stop being unoriginal. I wanna be friendly and accepting. I want so badly to be accepting. To not even be bothered by stuff like that. But I don't know how to help it....
But see? Everything is just sprouting from the fact that I'm so indecisive, that I'm like split..... I dunno. Maybe I'll feel better now. You probably shouldn't have read that, I'm sure it's really stupid. It was just free-flow thoughts. So sorry about that.
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[ | | UPDATED >> April 5th,2007 / 10:12 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 Exhausted, frazzled, a mess |
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Mmkay guys, I need some serious help. I realized tonight that I'm a fucking hell of a lot more stressed than I thought, and I don't know what to do about it.... I kind of had a breakdown a little when I couldn't understand my calc homework and in the same night was prevented from doing my spanish essay because my sister TOOK MY SPANISH BINDER TO SCHOOL WITH HER.
Help?
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| Me too.... |
[ | | UPDATED >> February 18th,2007 / 08:14 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 I have a cough.... |
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music |
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Rebels of the Sacred Heart- Flogging Molly |
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(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| ✓ I miss somebody right now. (I always miss everyone. Even if I saw them like.... four minutes ago.) |
✓ I don't watch much TV these days. |
✓ I own lots of books. |
| × I wear glasses or contact lenses. |
✓ I love to play video games. |
× I've tried marijuana. |
| × I've watched porn movies. |
× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. |
✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. |
| ✓ I curse sometimes. (More lately) |
✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. |
× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. |
( it goes on... )
I fell skiing today, and may have fucked up my knee. I also might have just strained it or something. If it still feels bad in the morning I'm probably gonna have my parents take me to the doctor.....
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[ | | UPDATED >> January 17th,2007 / 10:16 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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None of these work for my mood |
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Well, I'm sorry. I think a lot more people hate me right now than I thought. So I'm sorry, to all of you. I suck, I know, I'm a fucking hypocrite, and a coward because I'm not doing this in person. That's not sarcasm or using someone else's words or anything, just for the record; it's just me talking. But maybe more people will read this this way, and then if someone hates me and I don't know it, they'll know. I think I'll apologize to everyone I can think of in person tomorrow.
I'm an idiot. This is all my fault, all this stupid shit that's been happening. My fault. I think I'll go swallow cyanide or something now.
I'm sorry, yet again, I don't even know how many people read this.
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| hoo-RAY! |
[ | | UPDATED >> December 27th,2006 / 09:13 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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I STOLE THIS FROM KIRA! Wow I'm bored.
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| E-RAGON |
[ | | UPDATED >> December 16th,2006 / 09:49 AM | | ] |
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mood |
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 FUCKIN INSANE |
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So I'm EXTREMELY disappointed that no one's been spamming my friends list, so I'm going to spam YOURS.
I have no writing to give you, because it's finals time and I'm a lazy ass as it is. I'll have maybe two chapters up over winter break. Oh, btw, I'm rewriting The Lost Heir. And I think I'm keeping that title. But there's gonna be a BEAUREGARD in it this time!! Aren't you excited?!
SO! Last night we went to see Eragon, and then we went to Teriyaki Chicken Bowl, which was exciting. Evan Ranken was like, "Is this place cheap?" *rolls eyes* Apparently he didn't know it was a fast food place. Um.... well, we all piled into Ranken's car to find someplace to eat, and he almost killed us about eight times, cause he can't actually drive worth shit. And it didn't help that John was like, "GOOOOOO!" every five seconds. It was funny, but ho shit dude.
But Eragon was perhaps the best movie I've EVER seen. Arya was like exactly how she was supposed to be, and Rachel Weiss was amazing as the voice of Saphira. The shade was creepy and.... well, they stuck to the book really really really really really well. And so it made a GRRRRRR-ATE! movie.
GLORP!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
*cough*
Um... I need to study now. So hablare con ustedes luego. Esperadamente.
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[ | | UPDATED >> December 9th,2006 / 11:07 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 Giddy |
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music |
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NOTHIN |
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AMAZING Saturday night. So you get to read the lyrics to "Hot Patootie":
I'm not entirely sure those were correct. E-mail me or skype me if you wanna know more.
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| Life sucks |
[ | | UPDATED >> September 5th,2006 / 09:45 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 Pissed |
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music |
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The Stooges- Down on the Street |
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I fucking hate everything right now. School is a bitch, all the goddamn teachers are hypocrites, Margeaux left, and my parents are too overprotective. Gah, the only thing that's actually good right now is you guys. And creative writing. I love that class.
So what would happen if we made all our teachers be students for a week? I mean, do the like average junior's schedule, which is like.... 2 APs, yeah? They would effing die. School sucks. People are selfish and stupid and hypocritical and.... there's something else that I always say people are, but I can't remember it. Even me, see? *high squeeky voice* "People are so dumb I hate them." And I'm a person. Mm. But seriously. They've got their teaching philosophy all screwed over. Like, "Let's get all the students sick of school BEFORE college!! When they have to work twice as hard just to get by!! Yeah, that should work!!!!!"
Yeah, so, sorry for bothering you with all this shit, but I'm about to fucking explode. Jesus, you know something's wrong when I start swearing. Even on lj.
Homage to Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Oh yeah, he's good too. In addition to creative writing and you guys. Sorry I'm being so annoying about that.
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| *tears up* |
[ | | UPDATED >> September 3rd,2006 / 10:41 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 Sad |
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music |
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The Who- Baba O'Riley |
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Margeaux's leaving. Actually leaving.... for a goddamn year. We're not gonna see her again until next summer. I miss her so much. And she's not even gone yet. Dammit, I'm crying again.
I'm really scared.... for her, even though I know it's gonna be loads of fun, but what if she doesn't like her host family or something? I dunno. And what if she comes back and is completely different? What if she doesn't care anymore? If Spain does that to her, I mean. Frak. I'm such a lamer. That's not even gonna happen. And I'm still afraid of it. Maybe I'm just not ready for her to leave....
So. Rocky Horror Picture Show. Enough said. Well, pretty much, at least.
Does anyone know how you can work out like your hamstrings at home? Cause I have good quads and the suckiest hamstrings ever. Maybe I'll start catching for someone or something. That might help.
Hey! I'm gonna ride the Rail Runner downtown on Oct. 2 to go shopping at Buffalo Exchange for Halloween costume stuff. We don't have school that day, and it only runs on weekdays. So we should have a party.
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| Squee!! |
[ | | UPDATED >> August 12th,2006 / 06:55 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 Content |
] |
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music |
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Brown Sugar- The Rolling Stones |
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EEEEP I GOT MY HAIR CUT!!! Yesterday. I would put a picture.... but I don't have one. But it's shoulder length and more layered, and I just trimmed my bangs so they're probably the length they were when school ended. Maybe I'll take a pic and put it up later. Dunno.
Heh my friend showed me this. Twas fun.
| You Are a Glam Rocker! |
 You put the "show" in rock show with your larger than life self. No doubt, you are all about making good music... But what really gets you going is having an over the top show. Glitter, costumes, and wild hair are your thing - with some rock thrown in! |
Yay I used the icon Kira made for me!!
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| *cries* I seem to do alot of that around the end of breaks... |
[ | | UPDATED >> August 8th,2006 / 08:55 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 toasty |
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music |
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Three guesses. Seriously. |
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Boo. School starts in like a week. But APS starts in two days so mwaha.
Well. If you're interested, I'm rewriting the story that I hated. And now I love it. I've only got chapter 1 up so far, but I'll have two up before school. Speaking of which, I haven't gotten my schedule. I don't think the mail even came today. Which is dumb, cause Tuesday is totally not Sunday.
Um.... so, on the odd chance that any of you have a David Bowie album that isn't "Best of Bowie" you should burn it for me. Same with any Queen. I've been pining for a Queen greatest hits album for a while, but I might buy that on ebay with my leftover giftcard from Christmas. I'm trying to decide between that and (surprise!) a David Bowie poster.
I splurged on a pair of "capris" today. They're actually kinda bermuda-y shorts, but don't tell my parents because I'm not allowed to wear shorts to school. And it's so much easier if I don't have to sneak clothes to school and then change. But how freaking lame is that? School is the most ordinary thing you'll ever do, after work. Well, before work, but you know what I mean. And though it *is* important, I bet you a million dollars we could survive more easily if we lost all the hafalutin' jobs where you have to wear suits than if we lost all the ones where you don't dress up. If that's even a logical argument at all.
Ok, well, another post full of nothing-in-particular!
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[ | | UPDATED >> May 30th,2006 / 09:58 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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 Bleh |
] |
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music |
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Queen- Bohemain Rhapsody |
] |
DOOD SCHOOL IS OUT!!! So here is the beginning of that explosion I told you about. Chapter 9 is DUN!! READ IT NOW!! Yeah, you don't really have to.
Anywho, I painted a Habitat for Humanity house the other day and got covered in house paint!! Yay!! No, but really, it was fun--even though I was the only person even remotely my age there.
Um... I leave for South Dakota on June 10th. I'm gonna go see my best friend, so it should be LOADS OF FUN!!! I'm really excited. She moved last fall and I haven't seen her since.... and I get my provisional tomorrow!!! YAY!!! Yeah.
Um... yeah, so my life is boring. w00t.
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| Going emo!!! Yay! |
[ | | UPDATED >> May 17th,2006 / 09:34 PM | | ] |
| [ |
mood |
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 Stressed/tired of shit |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers- Leaky Little Boat |
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Well, after reading my poetry, all my sister's friends think I'm emo, so I think with this post I'll prove them right. For the moment.
I've had to deal with a bunch of crap because of this lately, so I just wanted to say this, give a piece of advice, whatever.
In other news, final are next week *has barely started studying*. But I'll finally have time to update after that!! So get ready for an update EXPLOSION!!!
AAAAAANND I'm gonna play BASEBALL with my dad this summer!!! OMG YAY!! I'm gonna have super trouble hitting the damn curveball, though.... no highschool softball pitcher I've played against can throw one, so I've never had to hit against one. I'll need to practice....
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| AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! |
[ | | UPDATED >> April 30th,2006 / 07:33 PM | | ] |
Update spazz this weekend!!!!!! Heh, I like how I don't post for like five months and then post two days in a row.... anywho...
ZOMFG WE MADE STATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHH!!! My coach called me today and told me.... dude. This is so cool. I can't believe it.... I don't think we'll win, though. I think either St. Pius or Farmington will win--Pius is pretty good all around and Farmington has an amazing pitcher. Soooo exciting.
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| Back from the dead! |
[ | | UPDATED >> March 9th,2006 / 06:50 PM | | ] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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music |
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David Bowie |
] |
Well. I'm not dead anymore, and I updated a while ago and forgot to post it. Chapter 8 of The Future Isn't Written Yet (the title of which I'll be changing shortly) is up and has been since like I was born (aka middle of January). But yeah. Maybe Chapter 9 will be up soon. Dunno.
YAY SOFTBALL HA EMPEZADO!!!! But I've kinda been sucking lately.... we had a game today and I started at third base (on Varsity), fielded three bad bunts hit to me, and threw two of them into the fence. >< Buen hecho, eh? The coach pulled me. But tomorrow I get to pitch the JV game at home and twill be fun. No pressure there, and I'm used to pitching. I've never played third before this year.
Aaaaaaand KH2 comes out this month! It hit me that it was March the other day when I was talking to my friends and it came up. I was like, "... Holy shit! LIKE 20 DAYS LEFT!" Unfortunately I probably won't get it till the end of April. At the earliest. Boo. But... regardless, I'll have it eventually. It's gonna be so good. *squeal*
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